She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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