I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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