Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
