The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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