u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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