He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
