yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
