I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
My life is pants optional.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
