he wants to bone in the snuggie
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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