it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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