mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
