wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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