I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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