The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
