My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
