I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize
