I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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