Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
