Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
