Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
