If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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