Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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