jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
