the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
