I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
