So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
