I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
