Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
