I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
