i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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