god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
