Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
