I want to have your abortion
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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