OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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