Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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