his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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