If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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