New low: just hacked my moms facebook
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
