You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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