I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
