SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
