i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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