how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Randomize
