also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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