just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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