There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I can't turn off my feet"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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