***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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