I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Sext me about skeletons
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
