So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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