When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
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Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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