Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
