That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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