If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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