I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I think my fart just growled at me.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
