a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
two words: eviction party
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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