Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(973): View more from New Jersey

YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.

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(541): View more from Oregon

im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.

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(801): View more from Utah

when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I stole a fireplace last night.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.

(540): View more from Virginia

you also need to get my treadmill fixed.

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(541): View more from Oregon

If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.

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(631): View more from New York

Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are

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