Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
