I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
