I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You need a sexual gate keeper
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I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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