Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
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I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
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The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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