Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
