After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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