I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
