I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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